there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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