I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
