So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
