btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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