To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
