biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
