I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
