you're like a bully in the Christmas story
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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