Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Randomize
