Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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