I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
FUCK WHALES
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
