Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
