I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
