Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
