Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Randomize
