hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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