Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Text me some of your sweat
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
