I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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