just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
