so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
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