Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
