jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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