I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize