I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
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