I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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