oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
