Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Randomize
