And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
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