Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
