no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
