The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Randomize
