I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
