I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
