when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Randomize
