she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
