While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
