Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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