made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
