Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
