The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
