Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
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