At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
