how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
