talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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