I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
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