I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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