Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
