just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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