I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Randomize
