Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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