My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
She swung at the pinata with crutches
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
