So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
They took my balls.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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